Dealing With the Wilderness of Your Past
- martinjhottel
- Aug 17, 2017
- 8 min read
Philippians 3:12-14
(12) Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. (13) Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Leaving what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, (14) I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Easier Said Than Done…
This biblical excerpt can be one of the most invigorating passages to ever read. It stands as a reminder to the Christian that our trials and mistakes do not define, determine, or defeat God’s plan for our lives. In my first article, I shared a summary of my story. “Martin, what in the world do you do with all of that kind of baggage?” That’s it. The scripture above is the answer to that question. I look at the road stretched in front of me. I scan the horizon of the world ahead and I begin to contemplate my calling. I recognize that I no longer am in my fire, and that although I’m not exactly where I would like to be, I can praise God that I’m not where I once was. I know I’m not quite there yet, but I know I can make it. I know God will carry me.
There’s one part of that scripture, though, that’s really hard to deal with. It’s the part we are going to focus on for this article. Don’t worry, I will most definitely write in the near future to those of you who are in the midst of your wilderness right now! But I believe the current message God has laid on my heart first deals with the past. By talking about how to compartmentalize the past, I believe we can better lead in to what to do in the present, and therefore, also in the future. You may be wondering, “Martin, how can I actually leave all that is behind me?” Unfortunately, our minds don’t work in such a way that we can just forget the messes we’ve been through. Trust me, I get it. We have to find some way to deal with it before we can leave it. So I guess the truth is that, although this passage of scripture is extremely uplifting, it can be quite difficult to follow.
Losing Your Mind…
Have you ever noticed how much your first thought can affect the rest of the thoughts that come afterwards? For instance, can you think of a time where you convinced yourself that something was inevitably and undeniably going to fail? I would hazard to guess that your first response to whatever that situation was didn’t include any thoughts that indicated that everything was okay. How about the opposite? Think of a time when you told yourself as soon as you woke up that you were going to wear a smile and choose joy for the day. It was probably a whole lot easier to be positive when something malevolent arose. The mind is crazy, and it’s easily controlled by what we think. More relevantly, when we begin to try to understand our pasts, we can find ourselves in dangerous water. I’m going to use myself as an example, so yes, what I’m about to share is very personal, but I think it will help make my point.
I have struggled greatly with depression and suicide in the past, all as a result of the dreadful sensation of hopelessness. From the moment my parents adopted me in 2012 until May 28th, 2017, I had nightly nightmares about the abusive home I grew up in. These dreams left me miserable. I would wake up in the middle of the night sweating and terrified. The dreams were also extremely vivid. They usually either replayed a traumatic event I’d already experienced or played out the most realistic scenes of what I believe my life would be like today had I still been with the parents I once had. Y’all, it was awful. It was like going to sleep just so I could wake up in another life, a life that would leave me physically and mentally exhausted by the time I had to make it to my 8 AM classes the next morning. Sleep and I were not the best of friends.
Those weren’t the only dreams I struggled with. In those same nights, I would also have some of the most amazing dreams about Victor. In these dreams, he was okay. He would come in from some random place, and no longer was he bound to his wheelchair or limited by sign language. He would show up as the healthy stallion he once was before. As the dream continued, we would do a plethora of things together, most of which are faint memories to me. In any case, at the end of every dream I would ask him, “What was it like?” I was referring to his insight on living in the condition he is in now. You know what was great? He would answer me. He told me everything, every little detail about every experience he’s had since his tumor changed his life. But there was one problem. When I’d wake up from those dreams, I could never remember what he’d said.
My dreams seemed to serve one of two purposes: to remind me of my traumatic past and manifest that trauma in my present life and to teasingly taunt me with the heartbreaking reality that my twin brother is not who he once was. It sucked.
Now let’s glimpse into the reality I was living. I’m a student at UNC, which meant I had a load of rigorous classes to push through. I would drive each weekend between Fayetteville, Charlotte, and Chapel Hill, which meant I was on the road often and studying was never a luxury I was afforded. I was trying to find some way to daily cope with the depressing reality of Victor’s terrible condition (especially when his life was on the line). I couldn’t really interact with my family due to distance and logistic circumstances, and I couldn’t seem to ever clear my head of the haunting memories of the abusive past I had grown up in.
Mind you, I’m a huge extrovert, extremely animated and lively in my personality. So I would smile and push all of the baggage in my mind to side so as not to have to address it. But doing that didn’t change what was going on inside. I was messed up. The trains of thought my mind would follow were never good. One day, they’d have to explode. And one day they did.
I’ll spare you all the explanation of the day I almost took my life. However, I think it’s worth noting that had I not been stopped by my loving dad, I wouldn’t be here. I was in a mess. I absolutely had to do something to regain control of my mind. Satan had too much power over me.
So what about you? How much does your past hurt you and haunt you? How much does it control you? Does it feel impossible to escape the torture and pain that lingers?
2 Corinthians 10:5
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Regaining Control Over Your Mind…
Read that verse again.
Nothing in the life comes above the knowledge of God. Absolutely nothing. I don’t care what Satan is trying to do in your life. I don’t care what he throws in your path. I don’t care what any scholar has to say to try to debunk the validity of the existence and power of God. NOTHING can ever surpass the knowledge of God. Why? Because His plan for our lives is included in His knowledge! Hence, why Jeremiah 29:11 says, “‘For I KNOW the plans I have for you’ declares the Lord.” He knows what we are called to do. He knows every trial we’ve ever faced. He knows the numbered count of every hair on your hair. He knows you more than you know yourself. And more importantly, He knows that Satan is out to get you. So therefore, He knows what to do to take what Satan meant for your harm and use it for your good!
So now we find ourselves in a position of having to take one moment away from our crazy minds. We have to take one moment to step away from those dangerous thoughts and dreadful memories to declare God’s knowledge over Satan’s twisted whispers. We demonilish every argument, that is, every point Satan can try to make against what God would have you believe. We demolish every pretension, that is, every little thing Satan will try to do to get out in front of the goodness God has set for you just so he can damage it and mess you up. We demolish all of that! Everything that is set up against the knowledge of God, including the way your wilderness haunts you, must fall. So how does that happen?
We take our thoughts captive to make them obedient to Christ. We take one moment of strength, even if it’s all the strength we have left in us, to say, “Wait, Satan. I know the thoughts in my mind are not of God. They are of you. But I don’t belong to you! So I submit myself to God and cast my cares, my thoughts, and my anxieties to the God who cares for me. I’m declaring right now that you do not have control over my mind, God does!” Now, does that mean Satan will stop trying to control your mind? Definitely not! But now you are in the position of power where you recognize that every time a haunting memory or depressing ideation comes to your mind, it is not of God, so you must leave it. You must choose hope.
Why Choose Hope?
Choosing hope helps you forgive the people who hurt you. It helps you move away from the baggage that aims to weigh you down and move towards the prize which God has called for you. It helps you fulfill the second half of the first passage of scripture above. “But one thing [we] do: Leaving what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, [we] press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called [us] heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
There is so much more to this story, but for now, let’s start taking captive our thoughts. Let’s remind Satan of where we stand with Christ. Your wilderness and all of its torment don’t have to remain painful memories. They can become what strengthens you. It’s a matter of mindset, a mindset that is controlled by the Holy Spirit who is willing to offer you peace beyond your own understanding (Philippians 4:7). Don’t fear your past. You have not been a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind! (2 Timothy 1:7).
Pray about your mind. Ask God to change your heart and mind in such a way that your focus is centered on Him, the sustainer of every good thing! Ask him to help you on your journey from the wilderness to refuge.
I hope you enjoy the songs below, they helped me when my mind was messed up. There is hope in front of you, so tell your heart to beat again!
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